If you can’t handle profanity, then skip this one.
Last week, my friend Elizabeth and I somehow got on the topic of when we use certain profanities. I have a mouth like a sailor, so foul language is nothing to me any more. As I thought about it, I use certain words in very specific situations. Because I love lists and it’s a good laugh, here’s what expletive is appropriate in what situation:
- “Jesus Christ” – If you surprise me (I don’t so much count this as a profanity, but some people do).
- “God damn it” / “Damn it” – If I drop or spill something.
- “Jackass” / “Asshole” – If you cut me off in traffic.
- “Dickbag” / “Douchcanoe” – A descriptor for a particularly irritating male.
- “Bitch” – You did something stupid. Usually accompanied by an eyeroll.
- “Shit” – I forgot something / messed up something. Typically comes in groups of 3.
- “What the fuck?” – I have absolutely no idea why something just happened.
- “What the hell?” / “The hell?” – The former translates to “Hey! Why not?”. The latter translates to “Seriously?”.
- “Mother fucker” – A exclamation of frustration.
- “Bastard” – An intractable inanimate object.
- “Kiss my ass” – My original admonition & only saved for special occasions.
The story, which my mom still loves to tell to this day, came about when I was in 8th grade (13 years old for my international readers). I rode the bus home from school in the afternoons. We had assigned seats with the oldest being in the back with a same sex seat mate. My seat mate, a 7th grader, only rode every other day. When she wasn’t there, I would sit sideways with my legs stretched out across the length of the seat. One afternoon, one of the 7th grade boys got it in his head that he wanted the coveted back of the bus seat next to me. I was reading and he came up to me and told me to move my feet. I ignored him. He told me to move my feet a second time. I ignored him again. He told me to move my feet a third time. I looked up from my book, waited a beat, and replied “kiss my ass”. He promptly tucked his tail between his legs and sat back in his assigned seat the row in front of mine. He never bothered me again.
I hope all of you have a fucking awesome rest of the weekend. 😉