Of previews for movies not due out for another 7 months and dry heaving

Two posts in one day! Gasp!

I was unaware the 50 Shades of Grey preview was released today. Thank you, Facebook, for that one. In keeping with my running commentary of the loins from whence it sprung, I couldn’t resist putting in my own 2 cents. Mind you, this has been billed “racy” more than once.

This article is worth a read. I appreciate a straight guy’s opinion on the gag worthy cultural phenomenon. All that said, here’s my own play by play.

:26 – Anne Hathaway, err, Ana Steele is escorted into Miranda Priestly, err, Christian Grey’s office. Just like E.L, James plucked Ana wholesale from Twilight, the producers have plucked Anne (Andi) from The Devil Wears Prada. Clothes that don’t fit and a bad wig DO NOT hide the fact that a woman is still good looking. It just looks like she got dressed in the dark. There are some “atmospheric” shots of a dude in a suit from the neck down while a VO plays. “Polite” “Intense” “Smart” “Really Intimidating”. I’m always intimidated by men who tap tables and adjust their suit jackets in front of me.

:50  -“I mean, look at me,” she says. “I am,” he replies.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

:57 – Oh my God, would you stop stealing shots from The Devil Wears Prada? I’m waiting for Meryl Streep to come out and demand Christian get the fuck out of her office and bring her the Starbucks she asked for 5 minutes ago.

1:06 – Dude is a butterface. If he’s supposed to be worth swooning over, the casting is an epic fail. Let’s try Christian Bale circa American Psycho, shall we? Not only is he worth looking at, especially in a well tailored suit, but it would make so. much. more. sense. if Mr. Grey were actually a serial killer.

1:27 – The “Rocky” theme all of a sudden replaces the remix of Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love”.

1:34 – A little under the table knee action. Racy? Naughty, perhaps, but nothing I would imagine most couples haven’t tried at least once.

1:55 – Definitely a butterface. Thanks for the confirmation, abs of Steele! (See what I did there?)

2:03 – Blindfold. Red pleather seating of some iteration. Some gasping to indicate pleasure. In Kat’s intonation from 10 Things I Hate About You: “I want you. I need you. Oh baby, oh baby” *rolls eyes and walks off*

And now back to your regularly scheduled snark.