Of showing frat boys how it’s done and blowing up someone’s phone

Wrapped up Week 3 of the Still Unnamed Fitness / Health Challenge. No change in either my weight or my measurements. However, I also totally bombed my food side. I didn’t have any green smoothies or pay attention to my protein intake. I also ended up having quite a bit of soda and massive portions of candylike desserts.

I have, however, noticed a change in my strength, especially in my arms. They feel a little more solid and I can get the tiniest bit lower in a push up on my toes. I’m still a long way from being where I want to be, but every little inch counts. I was able to hold a plank for about 40 seconds without resorting to dropping to my knees. I felt like a genuine badass for the rest of the day. It’s a 60 second challenge early on in my barre class. I got through the first week of Couch to 5k. I started Week 2 yesterday. The overall change is beginning to become more obvious. I just need to recommit to my dietary goals.

Yesterday was my dad’s 60th birthday. Considering there was a point we weren’t sure he was going to make it to 59, it was a red letter day. We played laser tag, had tacos, and watched Jurassic Park for the benefit of my friends who haven’t seen Jurassic World yet. Laser tag was hilarious. We ended up playing 2 games with a bunch of frat boys. We all teamed up against them and holed ourselves up in one of the towers. My purpose was scout / shit talker. Half the fun is coming up with code names. When you’re hit, the name of the person who hit you pops up on your laser. It became rapidly apparent that a few of these fine upstanding fraternity men couldn’t be bothered to come up with names (they were from GA Tech. I shouldn’t have expected any kind of creativity). At one point, I was hit by “Spencer” and started making fun of his name. He gets huffy and retaliates with “It’s just a game”. I simply giggled and ran back to my scout position. I can only assume that he took his ball and stomped off the playground. When I was talking to the “marshal” (the employee who has to sit in there for liability reasons) after the game, she said every time they get a group like that, she hopes they all lose. I told her what happened and she got a big kick out of it. Later my mom told me I shouldn’t have made the little boys cry. πŸ˜‰

On a completely unrelated note – I learned just how annoying it is to have someone blowing up your phone. I’ve found that communication with someone you’re just getting to know is a delicate balance. You don’t want to harass them, but at the same time don’t want to seem uninterested. This girl messaged me on MeetUp, so I figured I would chat with her. She was practically interrogating me. She’d ask me a question, I’d answer with something I thought was pretty clear. Five minutes later, she’d ask me the same thing. Uh, okay? I use the app, so my phone would ding every time I got a message. I turned off the notifications and told her that I wouldn’t really be able to chat over the weekend (not a total lie). Now that I’ve been on the receiving end of it, I’m going to try and find that balance a little more. Ultimately, I ended up blocking her. Over the few days we were talking, she would ask me the same question literally five or six times. I don’t know if she was a little slow or just desperate to have someone to talk to or some combination of both. Who knows?

I’ve also decided that Sundays are reserved for sitting on my ass all day. Hello marathon of Criminal Minds and possibly a nap. Big excitement.



Of major life events and bucket lists

Everything in life is a relationship. Y’all know I love to make analogies to romantic relationships all the time. Right now, I can’t be in a committed one with dance.

I got a wedding invitation last week. A friend of mine is getting married in October. I’ve had her save the date up on my wall for months. You know how things tend to blend into the background when you stare at them too long? That was the case with me. I can’t take a week off for dance when I need that time off to see my friend get married. I’m also planning a trip up to Virginia to spend time with my niece for her birthday. In the grand scheme of things, I would feel like a horrible person for missing her wedding. I haven’t seen my niece since she was 2 months old. She’ll be 2 next month. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I have to be extra careful with my PTO. Doing the Friday night – Sunday afternoon turn around SUCKS. My friends and family are more important than a week of dance.

I’ve been wasting money for months on memberships that I don’t use. My schedule and my life just aren’t conducive to any kind of lengthy commitment. It’s much better for me to have a drop in card that I can use when I have the time. We need to be in a more casual relationship. It doesn’t mean I love it any less, there are just other things that have a higher priority. I’ve known for a long time that I needed to scale it back. I don’t know about y’all, but I get a heavy feeling in my chest. Now I know where the term “heart sinks” comes from. I try to ignore it, but that doesn’t make it go away. Who knew? I have to accept it sooner or later. It’s hard enough to walk away from a relationship where nothing went wrong. It’s even harder to walk away from a relationship where you still care, but it just isn’t working out. Might as well rip the bandaid off now.

As for fitness options, Boy & I are well on our way to the 5k. We started Week 2 on Saturday. My ultimate goal is to participate in the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. I’ll be up to a 10k by the end of October. I’ll be up to half marathon distance about a month before the race. It’s definitely a realistic goal. There are tons of apps that will coach you through the various distances. My dad has done everything from a 5k to a marathon and his best distance is a 10k. It can’t hurt to try every distance to see what happens. For all I know, I may turn out to be a marathon runner. Plus, it’s something to check off the bucket list. πŸ˜‰ If someone had told me 6 months ago that I’d be looking forward to running every week, I would have thought they were insane. I think this “runner’s high” thing is real. Even though we’re panting and sweating out 5 pounds of water weight, there’s still the *high five* fuck yeah we did it!* feeling. So we only jogged for 90 seconds, but we did it. Baby steps.

You remember that comment I made about completing a triathlon? That was a real goal I set back in 2010. I went about it all wrong. I thought because I was doing CrossFit at the time (terrible idea, btw, but another blog post for another time), I was 100% equipped to handle an endurance event. Yeah, no. I burned myself out largely before I even began. I had no idea how to properly train. It’s still something I want to do, but one thing at a time. I *know* there’s an app for that. I doubt I’ll hit Ironman level (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, & 26.2 run), but who knows? I be crazy sometimes. The sprint distance (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, & 5k) is a much more reasonable goal. πŸ˜›

Good bye for the moment, dance. It was fun.


Of sending off 2013 and guest posts

I realized today that in 6 weeks, 2013 will be over. It’s been a hell of a year. I’ve fallen down, gotten back up, learned a lot, lather, rinse, repeat. Even the two worst things that happened to me, in the grand scheme of things, taught me a lot in a very short period of time.

Given my drinking history, it wasn’t a matter of if but when I would get caught. Of all the places I could’ve gotten arrested for DUI, I happened to be in one of the best. The fines are some of the lowest in the state, checking in and paying them takes all of 5 minutes, the woman working the desk is very pleasant, and it’s about as painless as it can be given what it is. I learned I can navigate a really crappy situation like an adult. I learned who I could count on and who I could leave behind. I learned to let go of the last bastion of my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I haven’t had a drink since March 24. I haven’t even wanted one. That was well before I was told if I wanted to remain seizure free, I should stay away from it. I also learned I’m not cut out for prison. A useful thing to know. In a way, it prepared me for the next situation that would hit me.

On some level, I knew the seizures weren’t panic attacks. When I’d tried everything to minimize them and nothing changed, I knew something was up. I fought going to the doctor and getting a diagnosis. I didn’t want the stigma that came with having a chronic condition. Then I got the diagnosis. It was like being punched in the stomach. By a 300 pound boxer. In the end, my quality of life has gone up. I don’t live in fear of having multiple seizures in a day. I sleep better because I’m not having them in my sleep. As long as I take my meds, stick to getting enough sleep, and regular exercise, they won’t really intrude on my life. It could always be worse. At least this time, it wasn’t self inflicted.

With all that, I have 3 things to shoot for on a daily basis for the next 6 weeks.

1. Get a better emotional grasp on the fact I don’t control the universe. All I can do is react in a way I can stand behind. Of course, I’ll fuck it up from time to time. I’ll say something I can’t take back. My knee jerk reaction will kick in. The ideal is to take a second, think, then react. That cuts down significantly on the number of times I’ll have to apologize later.

2. Be kinder to myself when I falter. Translate this into those around me. This month is the third anniversary of when I started trauma therapy. I spent many, many years bottling up anger, frustration, tears, and tantrums. There are plenty of times I still punish myself for having feelings. I’m human. I have a vast array of emotions. They won’t all be fun or easy, but I’m not stuck with them. In the meantime, I can be easy on myself. Don’t be so quick to jump on someone when they make a mistake or show emotion. I recently brought up an incident from someone else’s past when I was ranting. Boy was careful to point out she made this decision almost 10 years ago. I know how I would feel if someone brought up a choice I made when I was 19 and waved it in my face. It’s not fair to do the same to someone else. I may get frustrated or angry with them, but in the end, I have no idea what burdens they’re carrying around.

3. Say “thank you” and “I love you” more often. Don’t assume that the people around me already know that. Even if they do, it never hurts to repeat it. I know I appreciate hearing expressions of gratitude or love. In turn, see other people’s expressions of thanks and love for what they are. Sometimes they do a total flyby. Sometimes they’re clunky and awkward. The heart of the message is the same. My mom and I express our love in very different ways, for example. I’m more like a puppy. I’ll tackle you and pronounce my undying love. My mom is more like a cat. She’ll sit on you for a bit, then move on. Love and gratitude are universal.

In other news, I’m going to start hosting guest posts once a month. These are from other rape and abuse survivors. The stories will vary as will identifying details (whatever the author is comfortable with telling). I thought it might be beneficial to have voices other than my own in here once in a while. The first one should go up sometime in December. Until then…