Commutes give me a lot of time to think. It’s one thing when there’s another person in the car and you can chat on the drive. It’s entirely another when you’re by yourself for half an hour or more. For example, Boy was watching Cosmos last night (a reboot of the original Carl Sagan show about basic science. I had to Wiki it, personally). I asked what the point of the show was. He replied it was simply to get people interested in science in the first place, nothing more grand than that. Say what?
Sometimes, there is no point. Some things just are.
It hit me on my commute in this morning. Not everything has to have a “point”. This, of course, goes against everything the contrary part of me loves. Everything has a point. It’s the natural order of the world. Maybe, just maybe, that isn’t how it works. I love to prove a point and I love being right. Who doesn’t? Being right is awesome. However, if there’s no point to be proven, there’s no right or wrong (see how I tied that back to my last post? Go me!). Things don’t have to have a grand ending or a high level reason for existing. Nothing should have to justify itself. That includes me.
I haven’t been to dance in a week nor have I gotten any real exercise since then. That little voice in my head started up after a few days. “You’re lazy”. “You’re going to get fat”. “Why are you wasting your time lazing on the couch with your boyfriend when you should be spending hours in the studio?”. Because, goddamnit, I want to laze on the couch with my boyfriend watching mindless TV. I’ve been worrying about my dad the past week because of his brain surgery. They couldn’t find the right combination of medication for him and he ended up back in the ER. Daylight Savings Time, as usual, took its toll on top of that. I don’t need to justify my actions to that little nasty voice. Once again, the BFF filter kicks in. Would I ever tell one of my friends any of that? Of course not. One of the things I love most about my hobbies is I can walk away from them for a little while. My brain is trying to prove a point to itself. Half of it, the nasty half, is right. The rational half is wrong. It’s one thing to give a little nudge. It’s entirely another to say “I’m right, you’re wrong,”.
I have a sticky note at my desk that reads “be fluid, not forced”. Fluidity is something I constantly struggle with. I feel guilty about not going to enough dance classes to justify the cost. I set up a regimented schedule for the week, then beat myself up for not sticking to it whether it’s for work, play, or both. I’m no longer at the mercy of someone else’s schedule. If I decide at 4p that I don’t feel like going to a dance class at 5p, that’s okay. I may want to hike to the northern suburbs on a Saturday morning to take some of those classes. I may not feel like it the following week. If I get something thrown at me suddenly at work, it’s okay. I don’t have to flail around like someone threw a ball at my head. I have a replacement hired & ready to round out my department, but I won’t have him full time until the 24th. More and more people are requiring my time. I’m happy and grateful to be promoted, but I have to flip things around a lot. I may have my own little plan for the day that could very well, and frequently does, get shaken up. Inflexibility makes life harder on everyone. No bueno.
It’s okay to let go of having to be right. It’s okay for things to not have a “point”. It’s okay to ebb and flow. It’s best to take my own advice. 😀