Of the 8th circle of hell and spring springing

I spent over 2 hours at the DMV yesterday for about 2 minutes of paperwork. I brought literally every piece of paper having to do with the DUI. All they asked for were my passport and proof that I completed the DUI class. I had to fill out one of their internal forms and that was that. There were a bunch of teenagers taking their driving tests, so we sat through those litany of numbers. While I’m still convinced it’s the 8th circle of hell, I have my license back. I’m officially free to go wherever I want whenever I want. I started crying as we were walking out from sheer relief. I’m no longer at the mercy of anyone’s schedule or whim. I don’t have to wake Boy up an hour early to drive me to work. I don’t have to beg for rides to dance or circus. I don’t feel guilty for asking any of the above from anyone. I can finally call one place home and instead of bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball. This comes at a particularly opportune time as my dad’s surgery is tomorrow morning. I’m sure everything will be fine. They told me to go into work as normal. If nothing else, it’ll be something to distract me. I know some people think I’m crazy for not staying home or going to the hospital. Given how my mom has (understandably) been acting because of it, it’s better that I stay away until later. I’ll go see him later in the week when he’s conscious and bored.

Of course, now that I can go wherever I please, I feel overwhelmed with choice. I have three dance studios and the circus classes to choose among. I know I’ll be bingeing on classes this week simply because I can. I don’t know about you, faithful readers, but I have to keep the momentum going. If I don’t go to class right after work, I’m not going to. If I have time to go home and relax a bit, it’s unlikely I’ll be going back out. There are definitely classes I’m interested in at later times, but the odds I actually go are slim to none. Fortunately, there are plenty of options. Classes are constantly rotating in and out or changing times or days. Maybe some days I’ll need to stay late to work and end up being able to go when I otherwise wouldn’t (I had a moment like that on Friday, mildly terrifying). Just see what I feel like taking that day. No need to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings or disappointing anyone. There’s plenty of chances. It stops being fun when I start forcing myself. N’est pas?

We have the door to the porch open. Boy and the kitty are sitting outside enjoying the weather. The sun is just starting to set. This is the kind of weather I could deal with year round. Unlike most Atlantans, I don’t forget how hot and disgusting summer is. What we have right now is ideal. 



Of learning how to fly and a very good place to start

Captain’s Log:

ClusterFlake 2014 2.0 – Day 3

We have spotted land! Dry land! The weather gods have seen fit to bless us with sight of dry land and freedom! Tomorrow will be back to normal. Work is open and I’ll be able to get there without incident. Several school districts are still closed. Though I believe they’d already planned that since it’s a holiday weekend (President’s Day for my non US readers). At least I’ll be getting out of the house. I made a point of getting up and moving around yesterday and today. I did a 10 minute circuit of lunges, arm hangs, medicine ball sit ups, lower ab leg lifts, bicep curls, & high knees. I was panting by the end of it. Dance does not cardio endurance make. Today we got out and walked to Waffle House. There may have been my entire caloric intake for the day in the middle, but it was about a mile and a half walk total. At least I was moving and wasn’t inside. On the exercise note…

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I started taking circus classes almost 4 years ago. A mutual friend was part of the performance company and suggested I try it out. As with most things in my life, I kept up with it for a few months, then got distracted by something shiny or other circumstances. When the program started, it was 4 silks rigged in a rock climbing gym with a handful of classes available during the week. Since then, they’ve moved to a new space offering trapeze, partner acrobatics, lyra (aerial hoop), handstands & contortion, and pole (not that kind), in addition to the fabrics classes. While I’m one of the longest standing students, I’ve been inconsistent at best. Moving, job changes, epilepsy, and life in general seem to always get in the way right when I start to see progress. I’ve always had trouble with upper body strength and beat myself up for it constantly. I’m comparing myself to former gymnasts and pole (yes that kind) dancers with a serious edge.

As soon as my shiny new license comes in the mail, I’m on the road again. I’m in a position at work where I can largely come and go as I please provided it’s about 40 hours a week. I’ll be living in one place, not constantly switching half my life from one location to another. I’ve fought hard to keep my “level 2” status. I’ve felt like literally starting from the beginning in level 1 classes is admitting failure. This is ignoring the fact I’ve lost most of the terminology and virtually all the technique over the years. In my vast amounts of free time to think over the past few days, I’ve accepted that my body can’t handle the more advanced work. I don’t have the strength or endurance for it. Starting over isn’t admitting failure, it’s accepting where I am right now. It’s realizing I get to choose where this fits in my life. Most of the girls who took the same intro class I did are now performing professionally. I don’t have to live up to that standard. I don’t have to keep up with them. This is something I love to do because it’s fun, it’s a good workout, and I’ve always felt welcome and accepted no matter what my level. Sooner or later, I’ll make it up through the ranks. If they’re performing, I’m happy to go out and support them when I can. I don’t have to match them pose for pose and drop for drop. It all circles back to self acceptance. This is where I am. This is where I want to go. What anyone else is doing isn’t my business. As long as I keep getting up, doing my best, & leaving what doesn’t serve me behind, I’m on the right track.


Of the new year and cleaning out the should

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions. I like the idea of getting to start over with a (relatively) clean slate at the beginning of every month. Why should a new year be any different? Considering what 2013 crammed up my ass sideways, I’m not sure what to expect for 2014. Though 2013 did redeem itself at the last minute in the form of a promotion and a raise. I’m not going to vow to lose 15 pounds, run a mile in under 5 minutes, and adopt some extreme diet. Instead, I’m going to stop “shoulding” on myself. I should do this, I should do that, I should [insert ridiculous goal that doesn’t fit my lifestyle or tastes]. 

For example, I’ve been taking aerial silks classes off and on for over 3 years. Girls who started in the same intro class have progressed to performance level. I can’t even hold my body weight up for more than a few seconds. There was one particular apparatus, lyra, I really enjoyed. The teacher wanted to do it in a series rather than drop in. My schedule doesn’t really allow for series classes. If I missed one, there was no opportunity to make it up. Apparently a lot of other people were the same. The class didn’t last very long. Silks aren’t really doing it for me. I enjoy the ground based classes like gymnastics & handstands a lot more. They recently hired a new teacher who is willing to do drop in lyra classes twice a week. I figured I’d drop in (har de har har) to see if I still enjoy it. If I do, keep going. If I don’t, forget about it. Other students look at me like I’m nuts when I say I don’t enjoy fabrics. They can stare blankly all they want. I know what I enjoy. There’s no need for me to force myself to go to silks classes because I “should”. I can gain plenty of upper body strength in gymnastics / handstand class thankyouverymuch. We’ll see how lyra works out.

I “should” learn Spanish because it’s practical. I have no desire to learn Spanish. I’d rather learn Italian. Practical? Not all. Enjoyable? Damn straight. I “should” finish a book. If I hate it, I can put it down and walk away. I “should” get out of bed and go to an early dance class on the weekends. Don’t want to get out of bed? Screw it and stay in bed. I “should” stay up to a certain hour because going to bed at 930 isn’t cool. Tired? Go to to bed and ignore the imaginary haters.

With the new year comes another closet purge. I’m reasonably certain my weight / size has settled. I looked at myself in the full length mirrors in ballet on Wednesday. I saw my body as it is right now. I’ll never have boobs. I have a small waist, big thighs, and a butt. That’s okay. It’s so, so much easier to dress when I’m honest with how I’m built. I really want to focus on neutrals for the base and go wild and crazy with the accessories. Bauble Bar is my new jewelry crack. I wear the big stupid fake diamond earrings I got there all the time. There are several pairs of pants from J.Crew I’m looking at with lust in my heart. And shoes from Nine West. I have a pair of ballet flats from there that are about 10 seconds away from falling apart. I’ve said it before, but didn’t follow through. I want a base wardrobe that’s full of basics that will hold up well. I’m taking the Queer Eye approach. If I haven’t worn it in 2 weeks, it can go. I know the thrift store loves it when I come in with my giant boxes of clothes. Come prom season, I’ll load them up with all my old formal dresses which just take up space. Since my birthday is less than 3 weeks after Christmas, there should be plenty of gift cards that will need using. 😀

Things that make me smile:

*Rainy Sundays where I don’t have to do anything

*Kitten cuddles


*Eating chocolate for breakfast (one of the perks of being a grown up)

*Glittery shoes