Movie Review: Unfriended

My dad & I went to see this last night. I rarely see horror movies in the theater, but I thought I would give this one a try. It’s another “found footage” premise & appeared to be this generation’s Blair Witch Project. I admit, I was a little fuzzy on the inciting incident.


A teenage girl, Laura Barns, was the victim of bullying, apparently for a protracted period. A video was posted of her presumably at a party where she was passed out and the implication was she had been raped. Laura then ended up shooting herself on school property. I had a hard time making the connection between the video and how that related to the bullying. The best I can figure is she was somehow blamed for the rape because she was drunk. The story begins on the anniversary of her death.

Five friends, Blaire (Laura’s former BFF), Mitch (Blaire’s boyfriend), Adam (random friend #1), Ken (random friend #2), Jess (random friend #3), and Val (random friend #4) are in a video chat. A mysterious 7th user with a vague handle and no photo appears, too. Blaire determines the account belonged to Laura. At first, the suspect is Val. When she’s added to the call, it can be seen she’s not the one typing. Pictures of her getting wasted are posted and tagged on Facebook supposedly coming from Jess. Jess claims she didn’t post them and is unable to delete them. The mysterious user continues to reveal more pictures of Val, then allows Jess to delete them. They’re warned not to hang up. Val hangs up to call the police. When her video feed comes back on, she’s staring blankly at the screen. A bottle of bleach is sitting next to her. The other ones yell to try to get her attention, but she still doesn’t respond. When the cops do show up, she’s pronounced a suicide. The mysterious user explains this is just the first step at exposing all of their secrets they’ve kept from each other. One rule – don’t hang up.

Ken is the first to make the poor choice of hanging up. The mysterious user shows a video feed that’s coming from Ken’s closet. He hangs up to investigate. When his video feed cuts back on, he has his arm stuck in a blender, then the blades cut his throat. Freaking out ensues. Laura then forces them all to play “Never Have I Ever”. The loser dies. Jess started rumors about Blaire being anorexic. Blaire and Adam are exposed as sleeping with each other after Blaire claims she’s saving herself for Mitch. Mitch ratted out Adam for selling weed. Both Blaire and Adam get printed messages (my printer goes haywire all the time, so there you have it). Mitch tries to get them to show them what the messages say. Blaire finally caves in an effort to placate Mitch. The message reads “If you show anyone this message, Adam will die”. Adam then shoots himself in the head.

Jess goes next with a curling iron shoved down her throat. Mitch stabs himself in the head, and that leaves Blaire all by herself (presumably how Laura wanted it in the first place). Mitch was the one who posted the video, but Blaire refused to say anything until the last second. Blaire tries to show Laura the good times they had growing up. Laura refuses to forgive her and the lights cut out in Blaire’s house. A set of mysterious hands snap Blaire’s laptop shut & she’s heard screaming. The end.

As horror movies go, it was middle ground. It wasn’t terribly graphic which I liked. I thought the curling iron was an interesting weapon of choice. It was also under an hour and a half which was a good idea. Much longer than that and it would have been boring. They relied heavily on the jump scare. I’m a jumper, so they got me there. It was a combination of screwing with your head & seeing the “monster”. The director said that he wanted to address the issue of cyber bullying and how this ain’t your mom’s bullying. It was a cautionary tale for the asshole teenagers who think it’s okay to do shit like that. Frankly, all of them deserved what they got. I ended up rooting for Laura after they started to believe it was really her spirit.

If you have some free time & you’re looking for a slightly updated BWP, I’d go. Otherwise, this isn’t a run to the theater now and see it.

Moral of the story: Don’t post compromising videos of people, then act like it didn’t happen. The vengeful spirit will come back and shove a curling iron down your throat.


Of Archer and keeping weapons by the bed

Apparently I’m the only person in my social group who doesn’t like the show Archer. I know this is random, but bear with me. Several friends, including Boy, think it’s hilarious. I’ve always balked at the idea of animation / cartoons that are geared toward adults. Much like foods I don’t like, I’ll periodically try them to see if my opinion has changed. It’s the same result every time. I didn’t fight with Boy over watching it. I left the room instead. Just listening to it through the wall upset me. I was in tears simply listening to the dialogue. At the time, I had no idea why it upset me to that level. It doesn’t make much sense that a cartoon would have me sobbing. It took a few days, then it hit me.

There were plenty of things around the frat house I didn’t enjoy. I would hole myself up in Will’s room. He would do the same even though he hated it and I knew it. I never felt comfortable in the social areas (should’ve been a red flag right there). The other frat boys made fun of him for it and he took it out on me. The other girlfriends would watch TV or play games with them. Why couldn’t I do the same? I should just suck it up and go along with whatever it was. It didn’t matter if I didn’t like it. Deal with it. My opinions and feelings were totally invalid. He was going to fit in, goddamn it, whether I liked it or not. I was constantly the target of his insecurities. He bullied me into doing things in bed that I didn’t want to just so he could one up the other guys. “Girlfriend and I did this”. “Oh yeah? Emily and I did this better / more humiliating thing!”. I was blamed for the frat getting nailed for hazing because he told me about their initiation policies. It wasn’t anything egregious like drinking until the pledges passed out or making them run around campus naked. This is ignoring the fact entirely that all the girlfriends knew what was going on. We talked about it amongst ourselves on our own campus. Somehow it was all my fault. Of course I know now there was no possible way I could’ve been the sole cause. All of them should’ve kept their big, stupid mouths shut. If you don’t want details getting out, don’t talk to your girlfriends about it. Dumbasses. Bottom line, no matter what it was, it was my fault or shortcoming. Somehow in my neural pathways, Archer triggered the same reaction.

I was woken up by a nightmare this morning 20 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. It was the same song and dance. A guy broke into where I was living and tried to grab / kidnap me. It started with him yelling at his wife. Boy and I saw him out the window and he stopped. Then he broke in, Boy pointed a gun at him, and he was scared off. The third time, he somehow got in again, Boy wasn’t armed, and the guy started attacking me. I was kicking, throwing punches, and fighting back as hard as I could. He laughed every time I tried to fight back. He got up and Boy shot him, presumably killing him. I woke up feeling helpless because I wasn’t able, yet again, to defend myself. When I was sleeping in the house alone, I used to keep a gun by the bed. The mag was loaded, but separated from the gun. If I had to, I could shove the mag in, cock it, and take down anything that came through the door. Was it paranoid? Hell yes. Was I defenseless? Nope. My mom made me store the gun outside the house eventually. Thank you, Second Amendment.

I’m not the girl who allowed herself to be walked all over. If someone wants to watch / do something I don’t want to, I just walk away. I don’t have to make anyone happy other than myself. My friends are free to watch Archer, laugh their asses off, and I’m free to find another room and perfect my French.