I apologize for the late hour of posting this chapter. These commentaries are actually a beast to write because I go through each chapter 2-3 times taking various notes. I also want to make sure I don’t miss anything that might make excellent cannon fodder. All that said…
Welcome to Chapter 3, also known as the Chapter Where Bella Begins To Suspect Something Ain’t Right With Edward.
Once again, we open with a commentary on the weather. But wait! This time it’s not raining. It’s snowed! Whoopie! Except for the wild contradiction:
That wasn’t the worst part. All the rain from yesterday had frozen solid – coating the needles on the trees in fantastic, glorious patterns…I had enough trouble not falling down when the ground was dry…
So you’re giving the ice compliments, but you still call it the worst. That’s like saying “You’re really pretty…” on a date and then the awkward silence hits. She also has to remind us that she’s a klutz. Oh if only you would fall down, suffer a traumatic brain injury, and wake up as a completely different and vastly less annoying character. But that would be too easy.
I threw down a quick bowl of cereal and orange juice from the carton.
I have this mental image of Bella standing the kitchen, throwing the food on the floor, then yelling “BAM!” Emeril Lagasse style. Alternately, she could be staring down the cereal and orange juice sumo style. If Ms. Meyer is looking to convey speed while consuming morning nourishment, might I suggest “grabbed” or “downed” as the verb? If there’s a throw down involved, there better be spandex & folding chairs involved.
Here’s the part that really got my goat. She managed to hit 3, count ’em, 3 tropes in 2 pages.
Exhibit A: The Mousey Girl Can’t Possibly Get The Totally Hot Dude:
I was well aware that his league and my league were spheres that did not touch. So I shouldn’t be at all anxious to see him today.
Of the three, this is the trope I hate the least. It’s just so overdone. I’m so ugly! There’s no way he’ll like me! Because men are disgustingly shallow and my only worth is my looks! Riiight. Good thing this isn’t a zombie book because the poor zombie would starve to death.
Exhibit B: The Damsel In Distress:
Perhaps my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress
Only this time someone needs to leave your ass in the tower while you wave your white hanky out the window. If only it were literally crippling. Of course, then we’d be right back to the traumatic brain injury improvement. I’m okay with that.
Exhibit C: The Child Raising The Parent(s)
I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise
I’ve railed on this one before and unlike Ms. Meyer, I won’t beat the dead horse. He put snow chains on your car because he knows it snows and you can’t walk across a room without killing yourself, much less drive on ice.
P.S. Even snow chains won’t help ice.
While she’s waxing nostalgic over metal on tires, we get the chance to end it all. Then Edward’s ass has to go and stop a car from crushing her. Why, Edward? Why? Oh right, because you know nothing! Shit, sorry, wrong series.
For anyone who has seen Mean Girls, I had to giggle at the gym teacher’s name. Coach Clapp. Moving on…
Only then does she start to realize, wait a sec, there’s more to this guy than weird eyes and an inability to speak in a normal tone. But what could it possibly be? His unfathomably poor life choices, obvs. Meyer dangles us around for a bit hoping there *might* be some kind of head injury involved, but we leave disappointed. Like one leaves disappointed from the grocery store when they’re out of your favorite kind of cream cheese and you have to get the generic.
More inane exposition about the hospital and how fine she is. Once Bella’s whining finally gets her what she wants, she pokes and prods Edward for an explanation. Sorry, love muffin, that comes in a later chapter. The real shock of the chapter was I *agreed* with Edward:
“Can’t you just thank me and get over it?”
Yes! My inner goddess is prostrated on the floor begging for assent! Nice try. Bitch doesn’t know when to just drop it. A successful relationship in the making. This book could have easily been 100 pages shorter if she cut out all the mind numbing arguing. Though if all the mind numbing parts had been cut out, it would be a short story.
Final semicolon count for Chapter 3: 6
Final “I’m Fine” count for Chapter 3: 7 (16 if iterations are included)
Final “Emily Resists Throwing the Book Across the Room” count for Chapter 3: A 1 with a lot of zeroes after it.
Until next week!