Of walking down the wrong path and doing a U-turn for the right one

My body image has gone to all hell in the past few days. I’ve been having a problem with auras (pre-seizures) for about the past week or so. I emailed the NP who works with my doctor and she increased my meds again. I immediately assumed it wouldn’t work, I’d have a seizure, and have to start the clock all over again. Then out popped my negative self talk about my body. I stood in front of the mirror in my underwear picking myself apart. “Your stomach is too flabby”. “Your hair is frizzy and ugly”. “Your skin is all red and blotchy. Can’t you see that giant zit?”. “You ate too much junk today. No food for you tomorrow!”. I know it’s a bunch of bullshit. I know it’s just something I do when I feel scared or out of control. I start to control what I can which is what I put in my body and how much. I’ve gotten to the point where I stop weighing myself. It was becoming obsessive and ridiculous. If I gained a pound, I would start to restrict. I’m much more aware of it than I was. I know when I’m getting too far into my own head. So I quite literally got out.

Boy & I went to the Christmas concert for the Atlanta Gay Men’s Chorus last night. My boss is a member and I told him I would come watch. We even accidentally got better seats. The show was great. The people watching was better. I was walking next to a drag queen (she was convincing, too). I saw all these adorable gay couples holding hands and putting their arms around each other as they watched the show. It still blows my mind how people can hate them. It’s a fabulous, if you will, expression of love. Who cares if they’re both men? Or both women? One of the songs they did was a not so backhanded jab at family who didn’t accept them for who they are. One of the lyrics was along the lines of “All the men with their wives and girlfriends. How am I different because I love a man?”. Well played, boys. Well played. As we were walking out, the chorus members were milling around thanking people. My boss was right at the door when we walked out. He hugged me, called me pumpkin, and said I cleaned up good. The highest compliment. He also got to meet Boy. It was a great way to wrap up an evening after an afternoon of tearing myself apart.

This morning I got up and decided to make today better. I went to dance because I wanted to, not to burn off the calories I consumed yesterday (because it totally works that way). I sweat my ass off, laughing at my own ballerina doing hip hop-ness, and had a great time. The musical theater class had a sub, so I skipped out on that one. Next week, perhaps. I’m enjoying the cloudy, drizzly day and pretending I’m in London. I’ve done dishes and laundry, not out of obligation to Boy, but because I wanted to get things cleaned up a bit. I may put on some football later for mindless amusement. I don’t have to listen to all the bullshit in my head. I can walk away. And that increases my confidence more than a 10 pound weight loss and going down a pants size could ever do.


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