Of the burden of pain and letting it go

It’s amazing how much pain I’m carrying around until I finally let it go.

At the last minute yesterday, Boy’s boss told him he would have to come in early and stay late today. That would mean dropping me off at 7a and waiting until God knows when to be picked up. After some scrambling, my boss agreed to pick me up and drop me off today (bless him) so I wouldn’t be stuck here for 12+ hours not being paid for at least 4 of them. All that scrambling was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I cried on the ride down and then let it go when we got back. Everything, literally and figuratively, came pouring out. I’m exhausted and I didn’t even realize it. I’m tired of being at the mercy of other people and their schedules. I’m tired of getting back up just to be knocked down again by life. I live in fear of having another seizure and having to start all over again. That I’ll get this close to being able to drive again and the clock restarts. I feel like I’m balancing plates and one misstep will set me back to the beginning. Whatever I did wrong, I’m sorry. Just stop punishing me. I’m afraid that I won’t get back up one day. That I’ll make a decision I can’t reverse. Some days, putting on clothes or brushing my teeth feels like climbing Mt. Everest in shorts during a blizzard. I put on a good face and say I’m okay because it’s not socially acceptable to say otherwise. Even if I did, no one would know how to react. It’s not a flaw on their part, just a fact of life. No one understands. I didn’t even hurt any more. I just felt a numb hole. I’ve been down that hole before. That’s a darkness I wouldn’t wish on anyone ever. It takes everything I have sometimes to fight it off. Letting all of that out finally brought the pain. As bizarre as it sounds, that’s a step. Hurting is a step up from numbness. I’m still 10 seconds away from bursting into tears if someone says a cross word to me, but I’m here. I’m doing the best I can with what I have. I haven’t really felt like working the past few days, but I’m trying. What needs to get done will be done and ready for inspection. Everything else, it’s a bit of a crapshoot.

Obviously, I didn’t go to pole class last night. It took everything I had just to get up and walk. I confirmed with the studio that it wasn’t a big deal. They’ll review everything at the beginning of class next week. I’m going to the drop in class tonight just to see what it’s all about. This will be the third pole class I’ve taken in my life, but I can follow along. If nothing else, a decade of dance classes can help with that. I can take an hour and forget about my life. I can just move my body and worry about the rest of it later. I also called the dance studio and asked about renewing my membership there. If all goes well with the new job, I’ll be able to make classes a few days a week there. They also agreed to waive the activation fee since I had to quit for a medical reason. I appreciated the gesture. Tomorrow is circus training and Sunday is canoeing. I’ve never been canoeing, so this will be interesting. If nothing else, I’ll get an arm workout out of it.

I got up. I did my hair. I put on a tiny bit of make up including red lipstick. I’m happy with my outfit. I brought my lunch in a (failed) attempt to save money. I didn’t burst into tears when I accidentally dropped my lunch in the trash. Riding in with my boss was hysterical. He’s a lot more candid outside of work. I have my heating pad to keep me warm. I’ve gotten to spend the night with Boy the past 2 nights. I have someone who is able to pick up lunch for me. Boy attempted to cook dinner for me last night. I had a candlelit bubble bath. I have a weekend full of activity, family, and quality time. I’m feeling positive about the job situation. Yoga classes start at work next week. In the last 7 days, I’ve gone to class or done some kind of exercise 4 days. I’m trying my hardest given where I am and I can be at peace with that.

My “get back up no matter how much it sucks” playlist:

Pink “Fucking Perfect”

Katy Perry “Part of Me”

Kelly Clarkson “People Like Us”

Marvelous 3 “Cigarette Lighter Love Song”

Goo Goo Dolls “Slide”

Ludo “Topeka”

Fun “Carry On”

Glee version “We Found Love”


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