I’m so glad I have Boy. He has a way of calming me down when I get myself all wrapped up in my own head. I’ve been having some minor seizure activity this past week. I haven’t had a full blown seizure, but I’ve had the beginnings of one. I’ll still get the aura, but never the seizure. I was getting upset because it started again. He reminded me that 6 months ago, I was having seizures every day or every other day. I was having seizures in my sleep. I haven’t had a full blown seizure in 17 days. I’m worlds away from where I was. Everything is a process. There’s still some tinkering to be done with my medication. I’m still not drinking or eating anything with artificial sweeteners. I can’t point to one thing in particular and say “this is the problem” (other than my brain, but I can’t do much about that, now can I?). The doctors were amazed I was seeing results at 50mg of the Lamictal. Now I’m at the lowest therapeutic dose and seeing even better results. I’m tapering off the Keppra and that’s bound to cause some changes. I’ll be totally off it by Saturday. I called my doctor and let her know what was going on. Whenever she gets the message, she’ll tell me what to do. Then we’ll go from there.
The cafeteria at work had lasagne and garlic bread for lunch today. I wanted garlic bread, so goddammit, I had some garlic bread. And lasagne. And caffeinated tea. It’s probably laden with stuff I should avoid, but I don’t care. I ate healthy for breakfast and I’ll eat healthy for dinner. I eat healthy 80% of the time. Everything I cooked yesterday I screened for stuff I should avoid. I even made my own mashed potatoes. I can have a slice of garlic bread and tea and it won’t kill me. A pumpkin muffin won’t kill me. As Boy said, it’s not worth it if I’m miserable. True success is when I can live my life the way I want to live it regardless of the seizures. That life can include driving (when I’ve passed the time limit, of course). That life can include tea and garlic bread and Chick-fil-a. That life can include staying up past 1030 and not worry about having a seizure. That life can include going to movies and concerts. I can watch TV without seizing for the first time in years. I can watch football again because the movement doesn’t bother me any more. I love me some college football and it sucked to not be able to watch it. I don’t get anxious when I sit down in front of the TV, relax, and watch something.
In fact, I’m rarely anxious at all any more. I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. When I am anxious or upset, it’s a lot easier to calm down. I don’t go straight to the worst case scenario. Bad feelings are normal. No one feels good 100% of the time. I lose sight of that sometimes. There was a time when I didn’t feel anything. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t laugh. My range of emotions was minimal. Now I feel everything and that’s way better. Though it’s hard to remember when I am upset, in pain, or triggered, it’s better than feeling nothing. Slowly but surely, I’m getting back in the game. I’m no longer that numb, hollow shell of a person I was 3 years ago.
And now, some current words I’m living by:
There are no rules in fashion. Wear whatever makes you feel good and if people don’t like it, screw ’em *Talk less, act more* Not everything has to have a reason behind it* Try something new. The worst that will happen is you won’t like it* Other peoples’ opinions of me is none of my business* Gossip and negativity don’t accomplish anything other than making me look bad* Doing nothing isn’t a bad thing* Stick with someone who makes you laugh. It’s good for your health and sanity* Everything is a process* It’s normal to hurt, be upset, get angry, or frustrated. That’s called being human* Just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they’re wrong* Making new, positive memories won’t leave room for the bad ones* The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step*