Of brains and refunds

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here before, but if I have, just bear with me.

Ever since my assault in 2007, I started having these episodes that I thought were panic attacks. When I described them to my therapist in detail recently, she said it didn’t sound like any panic attack she’d ever heard of. Curious, I did a little research on the internet (always a good idea, right?). My symptoms were very consistent with minor seizures. I got an appointment with a neurologist and she ordered a study similar to a sleep study. They hook me up to sensors and wait for one to happen. That was supposed to happen this past week. The hospital called and said the insurance company denied it because I’d never had an EEG or MRI. I can’t say I blame them. I’m scheduled for an EEG next Monday and I’m really hoping that will give us some answers. Then maybe we can skip this whole inpatient thing. I had one in front of an RN this past week and she said it looked like a seizure to her. My great uncle is a neurosurgeon and he also said my symptoms sound consistent with seizures. It’s probably not epilepsy because that rarely starts as an adult (I was 22 when they started), but trauma can cause them.

It’s frustrating and stressful. I have them in my sleep, so I wake up in a complete panic like waking up from a really bad nightmare. I can’t sit through a tv show or a movie without having one. Sometimes I’ll have them from staring at a computer screen too long and have one at work. That’s embarrassing. I feel like I just can’t win. Logically, I know seizures are very treatable. They’ll give me some pills and I’ll be fine. My anxiety level will probably go down significantly once this has been sorted out. Emotionally, it blows to have that constant underlying fear that I might have one. It’s a struggle to not get really frustrated and make the whole thing worse. I lamented to my dad that I wanted a new brain because this one is defective. He said that it wasn’t defective and it was a brain full of useful information. All the crappy stuff that has happened is useful, I just might not see how yet. Learning and growth don’t happen when things are easy or going well. Somewhere down the line, all of this will serve me. Somehow or another, it’ll all work out. It just takes time. (Can you tell patience is not one of my virtues?)


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